And by “we” I mean “us.” And by “us” I mean “U.S.” That is right, Dear Reader, the United States stinks. “How does the Happy Pessimist know this?” you may ask. Well, I’ll tell you. I know it because our enlightened government tells me so. Dear Leader slithers around the world on his belly, announcing […]

So, Dear Reader, you do not want Big Brother reading your e-mails to your mistress in Dubuque. How unpatriotic of you! Anyway, Dear Leader assures you that he and his minions are not reading your e-mail – they are only collecting addresses of the people with whom you correspond. If you believe that, I have […]

Welcome back, Dear Reader! Today our topic changes direction– literally. What is the meaning of this conundrum? It’s alimentary, Watson (or whatever your name is). Today we examine the intake side of the alimentary tract. We all recall with delight our childhood joys in the Consumables Department. My particular favorite was the Tootsie Pop, a […]

Welcome again, Dear Reader, to the fields of excrement. No, I am not fixated at the anal compulsive developmental stage identified by those two great medical philosophers and savants, Dr. Sigmund (“Vy you don’t like your mommy?”) Freud and Dr. Benjamin (“Let the little monsters do anything they want or you will damage their fragile […]

Ah, Dear Reader, you think you have seen the worst.  You think that the heights of folly have already been scaled by our masters. Think again! To quote Al Jolson, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. We have all become accustomed to having our fannies patted by lascivious TSA personnel. (Some of us even like it, […]