Hello again, Dear Reader. Your interlocutor, The Happy Pessimist, is writing to you today to advocate for a rational approach to your selection of comestibles. Mediterranean diet, phooey!

A recent study is trumpeted forth in the headlines as “Mediterranean Diet Prevents Dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease.” My first reaction was “Oh, goody,” but when I read past the headline, I found that the “study” was based on 343 subjects, a sample size so small that it provides the scientific validity of examining sheep entrails.

The campaign for vegetables being waged against us has also reached a personal level. A substantial number of my children, children-in-law, and grandchildren have adopted vegetarianism. They have left cookbooks lying around with titles like “The Plant Based Cookbook,” “Cook Everything Vegetarian,” and others of this ilk. This vegetarian movement flies in the face of experience.

Competitive articles describe illuminating incidents: a small female jogger in California being consumed by a mountain lion; an innocent hiker in Colorado being consumed by a grizzly bear; and other nasty encounters with our furry friends. If we adopt the general model of critical theory, the relationship between humans and animals should be viewed through the structure of Oppressor and Oppressed. We humans are the Oppressed. The animals are the Oppressors.

You don’t believe my characterization? How often have you read of a poor innocent mountain lion being attacked and eaten by a 120-pound female jogger? How often has a grizzly bear been attacked and eaten by a hiker? Remember, that Grizzly Adams, the bear hugger, was ultimately eaten by one of his buddies. I rest my case.

Vegetarianism represents a surrender to the elemental forces of Nature. Nature is the enemy! The vegetarianism proselytizers ignore the most important reason  for eating meat.

REVENGE!

The open literature contains shockingly few books supportive of this noble motive.  I once bought my young daughter an illustrated book entitled “Flattened Fauna,” written by a zoologist describing the appearance of various species of roadkill. Unbelievingly, my daughter crinkled up her pre-pubescent nose and, in a voice saturated with scorn and revulsion, cried out “you bought me a dead animals book?” (The only other time she reacted similarly was when I explained to her where lamb chops come from.) So, how can we carnivores fight back against the vegetarian menace? We must reestablish our status as Top Predator. As a first step, I propose that we adopt better cookbook titles. “How to Barbecue” just doesn’t cut it. The next non-veggie text on how to eat should be entitled “The Dead Animals Cookbook.” I will purchase the first copy off the press.