Doom takes many forms, but this one takes the cake (or placenta). Mr. Raphael Samuel, 27, of Mumbai, India is suing his parents for having him without his permission. Mr. Samuel heads up a YouTube channel and a Facebook page which rage against the unbearable suffering of life, such as being stuck in traffic. Mr. Samuel analogizes child production to kidnapping and slavery.

In addition to highlighting the bankruptcy of the entire judicial system, this litigation raises a question both biological and temporal. One asks: what mechanism could his parents have used to ask his permission to create him prior to his existence? Of course, if one assumes that the procreating couple possessed a time machine, one can imagine sequences of actions that would produce this result, but all of them would produce mind-numbing paradoxes, analyzed at length in numerous science fiction stories. Plus, there are no time machines. The only way to travel through time is — to wait.

In one sense, Mr. Samuel’s problem has two possible simple solutions: 1) Shoot his parents, or 2) shoot him. [N.B. Since this whole sordid affair is taking place in India, a country renowned for a religious system based on reincarnation, the shooting solution is only temporary.]

However, let us concede Mr. Samuel’s point. Suppose that having a child is felonious, because it subjects the child to various indignities, and sends him into the cold, cruel world to suffer. What then is an appropriate punishment for the malefactors having children?

Children.

The appropriateness of this characterization was best established by that great moral philosopher W. C. Fields who, when asked how he liked children, replied “Boiled.” Little bundles of joy, my Aunt Fannie! Any visions of sugarplums dance in your head at 3 a.m. when the little bugger is screaming at the top of its lungs and barfing on your pajamas? Any visions of future generations carrying your genes forward into the endless bright future when the high school principal calls you to announce that the little darling has blown up the chemistry lab and you are on the hook for $47,000 in building repairs?

I think not.

If procreation is a crime, it is the ultimate example of the perfect crime (at least from the point of view of society), because it has the appropriate punishment built in. Justice is always served.

Doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy?