The annual return on March 19^th of the swallows (small birds) to Mission San Juan Capistrano (a small town in Orange County, California) is the subject of poetry, smarmy songs, and much revolting romanticism. I often wondered why people love these psittacosis carrying avian beasts. I also wonder why everyone (except me) celebrates a day which provides nothing more than an excess of guano. Would you, Dear Reader, want to visit a town in order to wallow in a sea of bird poop?

            But it will soon get much, much worse. Another charming village is about to join the ranks of sites renowned for their boids. The town is Mount. Holly, New Jersey, and the birds are VULTURES.

          Mount Holly is the winter home for flocks of vultures. Like the swallows, they poop over everything. Now, the rational citizen would bring out his or her trusty shotgun, load it with #8 birdshot, and have at them. However, our collapsing civilization has responded with characteristic pusillanimity. The Mount Holly Environmental Committee has organized a pro-vulture workshop, explaining to the citizenry and their kiddies the important role played by vultures in removing rotting animal carcasses from the lawns and sidewalks of the town.

            This Mr. Science approach begs the real question: why are hordes of vultures suddenly appearing in the town? The most obvious explanation is that the Mount Holly carrion supply has exploded, which leads naturally to the next question: who or what died? The popular media have not reported any unusual epidemics in New Jersey. However, the usual epidemic of mayhem in garden spots like Newark and Camden continues apace. It is my suspicion that the gangbangers have, for reasons unknown, selected Mount Holly as the preferred destination for dumping those who do not prevail in shooting altercations.

            But the pro-vulture workshop has within it the seeds of a tourist industry. How about a marketing campaign with the theme “come and visit Mount Holly for the annual return of the vultures?” They can rename the local motel Vulture House, and sell t-shirts with vulture cartoons on the front and back. They can offer vulture tattoos! They can kill the tourists in a modern Coliseum and feed them to the vultures! How’s that for a new spectator sport?