Welcome back, Dear Reader! Today our topic changes direction– literally. What is the meaning of this conundrum? It’s alimentary, Watson (or whatever your name is). Today we examine the intake side of the alimentary tract.

We all recall with delight our childhood joys in the Consumables Department. My particular favorite was the Tootsie Pop, a great big sucker on a stick with a Tootsie Roll core. The fictional New York police detective of TV fame, Kojak  (“who loves ya, baby”), was incessantly mouthing one as he subdued the doers of evil. Even  today, shlurping a Tootsie Pop fills me with warm recollections of my youth.

But they can’t leave well enough alone, can they? As part of the infantilization of the body politic, led  by the corrupt politicos who reduce the most complex issues to nine-second sound bites, the teachers who refuse to demand that students actually learn something, the inventors of quiz shows and reality TV, the confectionary industry has now plunged to new lows. The Tootsie Pop? How about the Titsie Pop! Yes, Dear Reader, a Mr. Jason Darling of Austin, Texas (otherwise a wonderful town in which I have spent many happy hours over the years) has introduced into the halls of commerce his new product: a breast-milk-flavored lollipop.

Now, it doesn’t contain any actual breast milk. Mr. Darling is a vegan. (N.B. This does not necessarily mean that he comes from the star Vega, although his ideas do suggest that explanation.) But he claims that using his product brings back fond memories of the part of your life during which you could grab an attractive woman’s left knocker, shove it into your mouth, and not have to worry about a sexual harassment suit or getting knocked upside the head by her, her brother, or her father. Halcyon days, indeed!

But this is great!

Mr. Darling has raised the concept of comfort food to a whole new level. Or has he?

We can already buy chewing gum that tastes like cigarettes (Nicorette). We can buy cakes that taste like marijuana (Alice B. Toklas brownies). We can stimulate our little taste buds with concoctions that recall any sinful experience we want.

There must be something we can do to raise the ante. I know! We need some treats that bring back bad experiences! How about a lollipop with the flavor of Fels Naptha soap, used to wash out our mouths when we used naughty words? How about a carbonated beverage that tastes like beer barf, to remind us of the occasions on which we overindulged during college?

I don’t know about you, but I’d just as soon leave the dead past, well, dead.