As an experienced Citizen of the World, Dear Reader, you are no doubt acquainted with the German predilection for organizing and channeling human activities into the proper path. They achieve this end by training the populace to SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND OBEY ORDERS! Sometimes this approach leads to episodes of unpleasantness, such as World War […]

In 1983, Monty Python, the British comedy group made up of English Literature Ph.D.’s who decided they wanted to do something meaningful with their lives rather than rot in Academia, did a famous sketch on organ transplantation. A fellow answers a knock at his door by two white-coated minions of the National Health Service (Britain’s […]

I am sure, Dear Reader, that, cultured person that you are, you have seen the film “Jaws.” You have probably also seen “Jaws 2”, “Jaws 3,” and the other sequels up to and including “Jaws 947.” You also probably cut your teeth watching “Rocky and Bullwinkle,” an actually clever children’s cartoon featuring Rocky the Flying […]

There is no clearer evidence of the collapse of Western Civilization than the return of piracy as an accepted occupation. Of course, we no longer have Blackbeard and Long John Silver, and Bloody Captain Morgan survives now only as the fierce label on a second-rate rum swilled only by the uncouth. But the Barbary Pirates are […]

Anyone who has ever lived in Chicago (such as The Happy Pessimist) is well aware of the fact that just because you’re dead, that doen’t mean that you have to be politically inactive. Thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of dead people vote in Cook County in every election. The fraudsters of […]