There is no clearer evidence of the collapse of Western Civilization than the return of piracy as an accepted occupation. Of course, we no longer have Blackbeard and Long John Silver, and Bloody Captain Morgan survives now only as the fierce label on a second-rate rum swilled only by the uncouth. But the Barbary Pirates are enjoying a renaissance, sallying forth from their new haven in beautiful Somalia to plunder European merchantmen laden  with the treasures of the East. No walking the plank with these guys; they just separate your head from the rest of you unless you are ransomed.

When we had this problem in the 18th Century, President Jefferson proclaimed “millions for defense, but not one cent for tribute!” and sent the Marines to the shores of Tripoli. (Of course, that didn’t work very well and he ended up paying the tribute anyway. Sort of like our current approach to the Mad Mullahs of Iran.)

But we now have a new and apparently more effective strategy against the Islamopirates. We do not arm our merchantmen; we do not pound their pitiful seaport villages into toothpicks. No, No, No!

We all sang a song at camp about “Abu Ben Bulbul Emir,” the first and most memorable line of which was “The sons of the Prophet are mighty and bold, and quite unaccustomed to fear.” This is no longer true. The sons of the prophet have one overwhelming fear:

Britney Spears.

I am not making this up. It turns out that the Islamists’ horror of all things Western is particularly focused on Western culture, whose archetypical representative is Britney Spears,  a drug-addled perpetual teenager who vomits forth sex and whoopee for her pre-pubescent fans. When confronted with Britney’s musica, Islamists flee in dread.

So instead of adorning their decks with 50 caliber machine guns, the merchant fleet now equips its vessels with loudspeaker systems worthy of an Aerosmith tour, which blast forth an unending stream of Britney’s hits. Breitbart reports that “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and “Oops I Did it Again” are particularly effective.

The only problem I foresee is the development of resistance to Britney’s charms. But there are undoubtedly other mechanisms for exploiting the conditioned reflexes of the Pirates of the Porte. When Britney stops working, we can substitute “Onward Christian Soldiers” and “Hava Negila.”

Salaam.