Sophisticated and knowledgeable person that you are, Dear Reader, you are aware that one of the greatest sources of global warming is methane produced by bovine flatulence. Despite the fact that their diet is woefully devoid of beans, our Mooish friends produce vast quantities of cow burps (also farts, but that is not the issue for today. Perhaps later.)  It is surprising that our masters have not yet required our dairypeople (dairymen is, of course, a forbidden term as is, no doubt, milkmaids) to lace the food of their charges with Pepto-Bismol, and required our ranchers to crop dust their pastures and meadows with Gas-X. It probably has something to do with EPA regulations.

But do not despair! Researchers at Argentina’s National Institute of Agricultural Technology have invented a process to transform these effluvia into heating fuel. Yes indeed, these savants have managed to insert plumbing into  the throats of the helpless ruminants which collects the gas bubbling up from the seething mass of masticated grass in their four stomachs and pumps it into a big tank. By strange and wonderful chemical engineering, they then separate the methane from the CO2 in the burps, and Voila! natural gas!!

How much natural gas?  you ask. Guillermo Berra, head of the Institute’s animal physiology group, indicates that, interestingly enough, one lousy cow produces 250 to 300 liters of methane per day, which can generate enough energy to run a refrigerator for 24 hours.

This is great! We now have the simultaneous solution to two of our greatest problems: global warming and energy shortages.

Of course, there is an implementation issue. How do we get the bovo-methane to our homes? That’s easy. Everybody can keep a herd of cows in the backyard.

The methane will heat our homes and run our refrigerators.

Cow poop will fertilize our lawns, and we can  fire the gardener because the cows will eat the grass as fast as it comes up, keeping our lawns a pleasure to behold, if not to smell.

If we add a bull to the herd, we will never run out of milk or meat.

But why stop at burps? By attaching the infernal Argentine machine to the other end of the cow, we can capture whatever gases would otherwise make their way to the cow posterior. Efficiency skyrockets!

And why stop at cows? Considering how bovine the body politic has become (a conclusion reinforced by the laissez faire attitude evidenced by the news media and its sycophants during minor recent problems like a government shutdown, and money printing without end), we can attach the machine to us! That’s right! No more silent but deadly attacks on your co-watchers in the theaters, nor loud resonances which you futilely attempt to blame on the dog. Now all of it will be salvaged productively and used for the greater good.

The only problem is that our masters will require us each to eat two pounds of kidney beans every day.

Bon appetit!