In 1995, a revoltingly PC movie entitled “Dead Man Walking” starring Sean Penn (surprise, surprise) and Susan Sarandon (also surprise, surprise) hit the market. In the film, a sociopathic murderer is practically beatified as the film ends with Mr. Penn strapped on a gurney, arms extended so he appears to be in the process of being crucified.

Why is your interlocutor, The Happy Pessimist, providing free publicity and thus increasing the income from residuals of these unpatriotic thespians? Because of the title of the film. [Unpatriotic? Recall that Mr. Penn is great buddies with Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez, and lived in France because of its great superiority to the U.S. until he found out that France also imposes taxes on its residents. He is sort of a 90’s version of orange-haired Dennis Rodman, buddy of Kim Jong Un.]

It turns out that “dead man walking” is shouted out by the guards escorting a condemned prisoner. While not strictly true when uttered, it is certainly predictive.

The Happy Pessimist also knows of another instance of walking dead men: ZOMBIES! It turns out that this is not strictly true, either. Zombies actually exist, but they aren’t dead. They have been drugged by a voodoo practitioner to the point that they act like, well, zombies

However, our insane legal system has finally produced an actual walking dead man. This past Monday, October 7, 2013, Hancock County Probate Judge Allan Davis ruled that Donald Eugene Miller Jr., who had arrived in court to petition Judge Davis to reverse his 1994 determination that Miller was legally dead, was still dead. Miller wanted to reactivate his social security number and get a driver’s license. However, the judge ruled that Miller had to stay legally dead because the Ohio Legislature in its infinite wisdom, has established a three-year limit on when a death ruling can be changed.

And you wonder why western civilization is doomed! We have become prisoners of a legal system which no longer makes even a pretense of reflecting reality. We are trapped in a gooey web of legalisms that produce insane results.

But let us ignore the total insanity of the decision for a moment.

This decision is actually great!

Imagine the possibilities:

Dead Mr. Miller can steal whatever he wants to. Why? How can you arrest a dead man?

Dead Mr. Miller doesn’t need to pay his taxes. Dead people can’t own anything! So what can the IRS seize?

Dead Mr. Miller can probably murder his enemies with impunity or any other weapon he chooses.  He can shred his enemies in the public square at high noon with an audience of thousands while shrieking racial pejoratives. [Of course, he can do that even if he is alive in any of our major metropolises, with only slightly higher risk of incurring untoward consequences.] How can you administer capital punishment to  a dead man ?

Dead Mr. Miller is infinitely powerful. He is much better off than if he were legally alive.

Hmmmm……