Hello again, Dear Reader, and please accept my apologies for my long absence. I was forced to squander my time on the ignoble pursuit of moolah, by actually working at my day job. But I have repented, and have returned to lighten your days once again with tales of imminent apocalypse.

It is not enough that the day of doom is being brought forward by the presence of drooling winos clogging our city streets and country roads, filling the gutters not only with themselves, but also with rivers of pee and barf. The rot has now spread to the kingdom of the lower animals. (Or maybe the higher animals; it depends on your point of view.) It has also taken root at the Antipodes, a region heretofore serving as a beacon of virtue, id est, Australia.

Nature World News, a tree-huggers’ rag with some credibility, reports that the real swine have now adopted humans’ decadent habits. Real swine, as in bacon on the hoof.  A party of innocent campers, seeking respite from the rigors of civilization at the Grey River rest area in the wilds of western Australia, were accosted by a drunken feral pig.

From a real Down Under perspective, being drunk, in and of itself, is not so bad. However, this pig committed an unpardonable sin: it stole eighteen (18) beers from the campers’ stash, slurped  them down, and did not offer to share.

In addition, the pig could not hold its liquor. It was a mean drunk. It picked a fight with a cow. It turns out that this was a bad decision since cows, after all, are a lot bigger than pigs. The drunken pig was last seen fleeing the cow’s righteous wrath by swimming across the river.

This incident bodes ill. It suggests that the beasties now possess tools, such as bottle openers and church keys. (If the beer was contained in pop-top cans, it also suggests that pigs have developed unaccustomed manual  dexterity.) It also suggests that as the beasts adopt our intoxicants, they are also adopting our worst behavior.

So what can we expect next? As the trend continues, we can anticipate hordes of coke-snorting kangaroos mugging passersby. We can anticipate a lone wolf wolf, stoked on antidepressants, perched on a rooftop with an AK47 bumping off total strangers. We can anticipate alienated teenage sheep invading schools with AR15’s.

There is no way to stop this descent into total chaos. If we try to curb this activity, we will be hamstrung by PETA and the ACLU. There is only one solution.

Eat more red meat.