The Constitution of the United States is completely out of date! Or at least thus sayeth the likes of Mayor Bloomberg, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and the New York Times, to name but a few. All the Constitutional protections that have allowed us to eat and drink what we want, vote for any moron we choose, and arm ourselves against the legions of maniacs who desire our destruction and the destruction of our wives, children, grandchildren, dogs, cattle, snowmobiles and go-carts, should be kaput if we are to enter the brave new world.

A document dedicated to the absurd proposition that we know how to take care of ourselves cannot withstand this onslaught in a time in which half the people of the country pay no taxes and collect food stamps. So a new constitution will be written in the very near future.

But fear not, Dear Reader. Your interlocutor, the Happy Pessimist, has decided to turn his not inconsiderable talents to getting this show on the road. I have not completed a draft of the entire document. Nonetheless, I will share with you the preamble that I have completed, which constitutes a dramatic improvement on the one written by Gouverneur Morris, the head of the style committee of the original Constitutional Convention. Well, it’s an improvement if you believe, as do the vocal advocates of junking the present constitution, that the constitution should reflect the zeitgeist that is driving the country to total and irreversible ruin.

“PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION OF 2013

We the people of the United States, in order to achieve perfect material and social equality among all its citizens, do hereby ordain and establish this Constitution of the United States.

All persons deserve equality in all things, and are endowed by their government with the right to enjoy this result. Governments are instituted among men in order to achieve this worthy end.

The government of the United States shall have absolute power over all persons residing within its domain, and over all possessions of such persons. Citizens have those rights, and only those rights, which are granted to them by the beneficent government.

Past injustices, no matter how ancient, must be rectified at any cost. Those whose ancestors perpetrated these injustices, or whose ancestors were contemporaries of those perpetrators, or who have any link of consanguinity, language, or culture with those perpetrators, bear eternal guilt for the injustices, and are deserving of continual punishment through whatever mechanism the government deems appropriate.

Any person who raises himself or herself above the level of others, whether through his or her own efforts or as a consequence of the efforts of his relatives or of his or her associates, is an enemy of society. It is the role of government to reduce the level of such persons until they have exactly the same status as all others.

The only exception to the principle of equality is in the case of the servants of the people who carry out the glorious work of government, including those who have achieved elective office and those who toil in the bureaucracies which implement the laws, and those they have befriended in consideration of the many valuable gifts that they have showered upon these servants, often in the dead of night. The servants of the people and their friends are deserving of a special place in the social hierarchy, and may enact laws and regulations which provide for their well-being in any manner that they see fit, even if this results in a level of physical and social comfort which exceeds the average for the people as a whole.”

If you like this, just wait until you read my new Bill of Rights!