So, here we are in the Land of the Free in 2013! Our safety is guaranteed by the video cameras with microphones on every street corner, boldly watching all they survey to spot malefactors of greater or lesser talent plotting our demise, while simultaneously peering gently over our shoulders to be sure that we are not reading or speaking seditious thoughts. You think I exaggerate? Don’t bet on it!

It was interesting when the Homeland Security folks started their “If you see something, say something” program. See what? A guy with a beard? It was interesting when the White House set up a website for the reporting of peccadillos of Republicans. But at least these Orwellian insults were searches for something moderately concrete. Things are now at a whole new level.

The latest benefit being conferred on us by our masters is pretty retro, harking all the way back to Nazi Germany. Palm Beach county in sunny Florida is now instituting a “rat out your neighbors” program, funded by one million smackeroos of state funds. The idea is to encourage everyone to report to the police anyone who expresses hostility to the government, and might therefore constitute a danger to themselves or the community. The motivation for this advance in civil society is to prevent additional unpleasantnesses like Aurora and Newtown. County Sheriff Ric Bradshaw says “What does it hurt to have somebody knock on a door and ask, ‘Hey, is everything OK?'” I, for one, think it is an issue, particularly if it’s two in the morning and “somebody” is clad in SWAT gear and is battering down your front door.

And who expresses hostility to the government? EVERYBODY! Listen to the casual conversations around the water cooler on April 15. Listen to the comments from the guy who just got a two-hundred-and-fifty dollar speeding ticket. If you don’t hate the government at least seventy-three times a day, you’re just not paying attention.

But this is great!

Implementing the Palm Beach Program countrywide will have enormous benefits. To begin with, we can institute fines for anti-government speech, thus reducing deficits by all levels of government. We will create millions of jobs for minions of the law who will follow up on anti-government comments (we can call them the “vhere iss your papers” squad). We can expand the program to encourage children to squeal on family members, thus augmenting their allowances.

And the program has the potential to rise to great technological heights! Remember those tens of thousands of drones hovering over your backyard barbecue? We can equip them with microphones, and monitor all those conversations. Electronic rats! Amazing!

The only flaw in this plan is that an aerospace engineer has designed a cheap device to detect drones by their engine noise.

It goes on the market in  a month or two.

I have already pre-ordered one.