The quality of early childhood education is in free fall. No more do we initiate our children to the sublimities of the English language with Robert Louis Stevenson’s “A Child’s Garden of Verses,” which uses words that are actually used by adults. In fact, we barely use words at all.

The decline can be traced back to the modern parenting movement after WWII. The first indication of serious trouble was the introduction into the bedtime reading lexicon of the works of Theodore Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss. (Seuss was actually his middle name.) He was, of course a genius, in his own berserk way. But instead of animals which bear some resemblance to the fauna of the planet Earth, his creatures appear to have been drawn from microscope slides in the Infectious Diseases wing of the pathology laboratory. This is not entirely unreasonable given his background, since he paid his way part way through a Ph.D. which he never finished by drawing cartoons for Flit insecticide adverstisements, which featured gigantic insects on the point of consuming a quavering victim. But his rolicking doggerel (which I admit the kids love — in fact, I love it myself. I can recite the entire Sleep Book by heart) is not the problem. Seussisms at least resemble English.The problem is “Pat the Bunny.”

“Pat the Bunny” came out in the 1940’s, and invited the child to perform various revolting acts, including stroking the pseudo-fur of a  tan rabbit figure artfully glued to the page. It has been followed by endless imitators which invite the child to rub the skin of dinosaurs, animals, and monsters, all of which the child is assured are their friends.

The bunny is not your friend. Ask the Australians, who need to use everything short of 105 mm howitzers to keep them at bay. And in the United States, what do we get from bunnies? Tularemia, also known as rabbit fever, a particularly nasty generally fatal rikettsial disease which you contract by, you guessed it, patting the bunny.

That is not to say that bunnies are totally useless. Their pedal appendage is frequently employed as a good luck charm, despite the fact that it did not work very well for the bunny. But more importantly, they are reasonably tasty when used as the primary ingredient in hassenpfeffer, the aromatic rabbit stew.

So we have an amusing avenue to improve children’s reading material, which will shift their focus from touching a contagious rodent to enjoying a delicious repast. We need only make a single orthographic substitution, changing “P” to “E” to produce a more practical first book for baby:

EAT THE BUNNY!

You might argue that we do not want to scare the little darlings, or bring out their essential beastliness. Why not? Remember what happenned to Grizzly Adams, the lover of bears who ended up as a bear luncheon? Of course we want to scare the little darlings spitless! Their survival depends on it.

You have a choice when you’re part of the food chain: be an eater or an eatee. Which would you like your kiddies to be?