In 1958, a newly minted chanteuse named Connie Francis released her debut album, whose title song was “Who’s Sorry Now?” In this particular case, the singer is expressing refreshing schadenfreude, gleefully telling her former boyfriend, who has just been dumped by his latest light o’ love, that she rejoices in his misery. One feels that she would rather be singing her ditty to the pile of hamburger resulting from his being fed through the wood chipper.

The song title has retained a remarkable currency, and we have advanced to the point where we can give a definitive answer:

EVERYBODY!

We are doggie paddling through a cesspool of apologies. Does a golfer say that he is thinking about moving out of California because the taxes are too high? He must produce an apology. Does a politician boink his favorite racehorse? He must produce an apology. And worse, we are supposed to accept the apology, and say “Go and sin no more,” except in the not-so-rare case that what he or she is apologizing for is a third degree felony.

Why should we apologize for anything! Gibbs, the character on NCIS who utlilizes his Marine training to blow away hordes of malefactors, tells his worshipful staff “Never apologize — it shows weakness.” He’s right.

Public discourse continues to coarsen, the “f-bomb” being dropped on TV with depressing regularity. Wardrobe malfunctions (first popularized by Janet Jackson during the half time show at Super Bowl XXXVIII) have been rendered increasingly unnecessary by the ubiquity of attire not unlike that worn by the yummies who populate the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. You would think this indicates that it is becoming well nigh impossible to offend. You would be wrong.

Look, anything you say in our collapsing civilization is guaranteed to offend somebody. Our skins have become thinner than gold leaf.  [Nerd Note: that’s 1/25,000 of an inch.] You can’t even use the word “niggardly” without causing an uproar. By the way, it has NOTHING to do with the N-word; it comes from the Old Norse word “nig” which means stingy. But use it in any context whatsoever, and the PC police will be breaking down your door, and the media will demand that you issue an apology.

It will only get worse.

Outside the realm of reproduction and its associated fun activities, the realm of acceptable anything is shrinking at an accelerating rate. Soon it will go beyond the realm of politics.

How about your taste in food. You say that you like chocolate? Apologize immediately. You don’t like eggplant? Apologize immediately.

Transportation is next. You like big cars? Apologize immediately. You like small cars? Apologize immediately. You don’t like any cars? Apologize immediately.

But this will all work out for the best! Ultimately, you will not be able to say anything at all without apologizing, so that everybody will be forced to SHUT UP! We will no longer be inundated by drivel! YAY!

I hope I haven’t upset you by describing this prospect  But if I have…

I apologize.