Originally, civilizations kept the fun part and the reproductive part of sex intimately entwined, so to speak. You could have wives and concubines, but they were all supposed to produce progeny. Man’s ingenuity (excuse me, person’s ingenuity) then invented the solely recreational part-time concubine, or hooker. (By the way, the origin of the term dates to the Civil War — ours, not Syria’s. General Hooker of the Union Army had an entourage of ladies of the evening who followed along with his troops to keep the men happy. When onlookers asked one of the more savvy members of their group who these brides of the multitude were associated with, the answer was “They’re Hooker’s.”) Eventually, the concubine went the way of the dodo, but the other two groups (wives and hookers) continued to occupy the entire market niche for many thousands of years.

No more. While alternative sexual arrangements have existed for a substantial period of time (in fact, the memory of man runneth not to the contrary), they have only recently begun to displace the at least potentially reproductive couplings in law. Gay marriage is sweeping the Western world!

And it gets better. If romantic love is all that matters in establishing a marital state, why should it be restricted to groups of two? Well, it isn’t. In Brazil, they have now legalized at least one three-way marriage. And if three is OK, how about four? How about five? How about 137?

But the possibilities continue to multiply. Many people say, quite sincerely, that they still love their deceased relatives. Let them marry ’em! It will of course, give the IRS fits, since the number of deductions and exemptions will skyrocket. But this is good, no?

And we can do even better. The SPCA, PETA, and their ilk profess undying love for the lowly creatures of the field. Marry them, too! If we decide, out of a spirit of fairness and the pursuit of diversity, that we can also include insects, the number of marital partners can soar into the trillions! This will, of course, significantly increase the cost of entertaining wedding guests, since there are now a whole lot of them, and, if they include termites and army ants, they will eat the furniture, which will then need to be replaced.

And we don’t need to stop there. Suppose we marry molecules…or atoms…or elementary particles. A quintillion here, a quintillion there, pretty soon we’re talking big numbers.

I just pressed my tux. I expect the wedding invitations to come pouring in soon.