It is I, your interlocuter, The Happy Pessimist, returning after an extended period of silence. There has been a reason for my prolonged absence. The world is sufficiently out of control that I have been unable to identify anything more outrageous than the ordinary news. So, today, I wax poetic.
All musical comedies are the same. An unbelievably stupid young dolt moons after a raving beauty, and croons a revolting ballad memorializing his confusion. One of my favorites is from “Call Me Madam,” lyrics and music by Irving Berlin. The hit song from this satire on the diplomatic service is “You’re Just in Love.” It is a duet between the innocent young idiot protagonist and the jaded, corrupt older lady Ambassador. As Irving Berlin wrote it:

 

You’re Just In Love (Irving Berlin)

 

Dolt:

I hear singing and there’s no one there.

I smell blossoms and the trees are bare.

All day long I seem to walk on air.

I wonder why. I wonder why.

I keep tossing in my sleep at night.

And, what’s more, I’ve lost my appetite.

Stars that used to twinkle in the skies now twinkle in my eyes.

I wonder why.

 

Ambassador:

 

You don’t need analyzin’

It is not so surprisin’

That you feel very strange but nice.

Your heart goes pitter-patter.

I know just what’s the matter

Because I’ve been there once or twice.

Put your head on my shoulder.

You need someone who’s older.

A rubdown with a velvet glove.

There is nothing you can take

To relieve that pleasant ache.

You’re not sick, you’re just in love.

 

Pathetic.

 

Now, assume with me for a moment that, instead of begging the Ambassador for advice, the Dolt poured out his heart to a Board-Certified neurosurgeon. Then the response would undoubtedly be:

 

Neurologist:

 

It is more than just a rumor.

You have got a great big tumor.,

Which is quickly eating up your brain.

You have a lousy future.

Your future needs a suture.

You are circling all around the drain.

Put your body on the table

(As long as you’re still able),

While I tell you all about your head.

There is nothing we can do

To preserve the life of you.

Pretty soon you’ll just be dead.

 

Better, no?