We can all agree that firearms ownership by most private citizens is completely unnecessary in the light of the lightning response times to 911 calls. Accordingly, we should pass legislation outlawing private firearm ownership except for Certified Terrorists. In order to achieve a Certified Terrorist designation, the applicant must complete an approved Terrorist Training Course, which will ensure that no more than 15% of the shots fired by the Certified Terrorist will strike persons whom the Certified Terrorist does not intend to kill during a Terrorism Event. In addition to completing the Terrorist Training Course, the applicant must provide evidence of affiliation with a Generally Recognized Terrorist Group, such as ISIS (ISIL), Al Qaeda, the Earth Liberation Front, the Ku Klux Klan, or any other organization recognized by the Federal Bureau of Investigation as a Terrorist Group. Upon completion of these requirements, the applicant will be issued an LTK (License to Kill) which will have an initial term of seven years, but may be renewed.

This legislation will achieve several objectives. It will greatly reduce the number of firearms in general circulation, thereby reducing the number of nine-year olds playing unsupervised in playgrounds at three o’clock in the morning who will be injured by stray rounds. It will cause cessation in the primitive practice of mammal hunting, which will enable rural populations to change their diet from one that is meat-based to a far more healthy one based on fish, leaves, and twigs.

As of this writing, I have not yet found a legislator with sufficient courage to introduce such legislation, but I am confident that, after the Coronation, this difficulty can be easily surmounted.