Hello once again, Dear Reader!  I apologize for my long absence, but I was drawn again into the ignoble pursuit of coin, viz., I had to make a living. But a recent event has drawn me back to the more valuable work of chronicling our civilization’s (sic) demise.

I am sure that you recall from your distant youth the famous novel by Anthony Burgess entitled “The Wanting Seed,” one of whose premises was that the governments of the planet continually engaged in warfare in order to generate bodies that could be chopped up, packaged, and sold to the masses as canned meat. (Appropriately enough, the canning was performed in China, and the cans were labeled with the ideograph for “man.” Sort of like today.) Similarly, you also recall the film “Soylent Green,” starring Charlton Heston and Edward G. Robinson, in which the eponymous substance, supposedly a soy product, was actually composed of the remains of the dear departed, since the planet had become polluted and was now incapable of producing any other crop than us.

Well, that was bad enough. But now life is imitating art in an even more revolting fashion. New Scientist, a respectable rag, has informed me (23 May 2014 edition) that an edible insect farm has opened for business in the well-known third world country of Youngstown, Ohio. The operating entity, Big Cricket Farms, has filled a warehouse with what the publication describes as “a twitching mass of European house crickets.” I love that “twitching mass.” It conjures up fond memories of low budget horror flicks in which teenagers are devoured. Unfortunately, in this instance, the teenagers will be the ones doing the devouring. The firm plans to execute the crickets, grind them up into “flour,” and use the cricket stuff to bake cookies and dipping chips (called “chirps.”)

This insidious plot is being carried out jointly with a firm called Six Foods which is headquartered in Boston, Massachusetts (where else?). The Six Foods folks believe that they can use their overwhelming intellectual powers (no doubt honed to a heretofore unheard of degree of sharpness by Harvard, MIT, and other hotbeds of learned insanity) to overcome what they describe as the “yuck” factor, by using green marketing. Cricket farming uses very little water; emits a very small amount of greenhouse gases when compared to those belching, farting ruminants that produce porterhouse steaks and lamb chops; and crickets are fantastically efficient in converting fodder into protein: 1.7 kilograms of feed per kilogram of cricket protein, compared to 10 kg of fodder per kg of steak or its gustatory equivalent.

And this unholy cabal is not alone. Tiny Farms in Austin, Texas is producing “gut loaded” crickets which taste like apples or honey. Tony chefs from expensive eateries are adding insects to their concoctions (like the prices alone weren’t enough to make you throw up!)

The end is near. If they can con us into eating bugs, what’s next? I think that the next step is selling us bacterial sludge. We can  pump out the septic tank, mix the contents with sugar, and sell it as a dessert topping or frosting mix. In the alternative, we can mix it with spices and sell it as a chopped meat extender. Sort of like Hamburger Helper.

Uh oh.