You recall, no doubt, Dear Reader, from your misspent youth of watching cowboy movies, that ranchers in the Wild West allowed their herds to forage on the open range. Because more than one herd might be munching in the same area, and these herds might be under different ownership, it was the practice to mark the cows with a brand unique to the owner – for example the Bar T, the Circle M, and so forth – by searing their hides with a red hot branding iron, leaving a unique scar. Then if, heaven forfend, the herds became mixed, it was child’s play to identify which cows belonged to whom and thus be able to separate the herds and drive them to market separately.

But cows are not the only objects that can be branded. We now learn that this technology has been adopted by Britain’s National Health Service (or at least by one of its surgeons), no doubt blazing the trail for Obamacare.  Dr. Simon Bramhall of Queen Elizabeth’s Hospital in Birmingham, England, has been suspended for branding his initials (“SB”) on the liver of one of his patients. Technology having advanced substantially since the 19th century, SB did not perform this action using a red hot iron, but rather using an innocuous stream of nitrogen gas, thus avoiding the untoward effect of penetrating the anesthesia and causing the patient to leap screaming from the operating table.

There has been much speculation as to the reason for SB’s action. My initial thought was that SB was in dire need of electroconvulsive therapy, Thorazine, a strait jacket, and many hours of “Vy you don’t like your mommy?”

I have, however, rethought my position. I now believe that SB is an undercover operative for the involuntary transplant industry. You know, the guys who entice you to a tryst with a femme fatale, after which you awaken in a bathtub full of ice with a bandage on your rear and one less vital organ.

The involuntary organ transfer people are CRIMINALS! You can’t trust them! What better way, then, to prevent the hijacking by rivals of the fruits of your labor than by branding your product? By offering substantial snitch fees on an anonymous website, a consortium of surgical practitioners can insure that the proceeds from the sale of the fruits of their harvests will be directed to the proper individual.

Congratulations SB! You have struck a mighty blow in the interest of honest commerce.