Author Archives: The Happy Pessimist

Let Me Tell You ‘Bout the Birds and the Bees

Ah, Dear Reader, you have a dirty mind. I am NOT talking about human sex, a subject with which many of you may already have a passing acquaintance. I’m talking about plant sex. The plants are about to get horny. Who cares about plant sex? I hear you cry. Plants don’t even move much! What […]

FOUP Club

The 1999 movie “Fight Club,” is a non-stop sociopathic riot based on the idea that moral and intellectual liberation comes from beating one of your fellow club members to a bloody pulp while the rest of the club members watch. Any male who subscribed to this unusual philosophy was welcome to join. While joining this club is […]

Sisyphus meets Fannie Mae

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus the king of Ephyra was punished for his deceitfulness by being condemned to roll an enormous rock to the top of a hill, watch it roll down the other side, and then roll it back up, FOREVER. Sisyphus is alive and well, it turns out, only now he lives in the […]

Kimchi Geopolitics

The ventriloquist Jeff Dunham uses a dummy named Achmed the Dead Terrorist, who periodically leans toward the audience, bugs out his eyes, and screams “I keel you!” Achmed is a piker. For the last several weeks, we have been subjected to hysterical eruptions of genocidal bombast from the current Dear Leader of the Democratic People’s […]

Yankee Come Home

The Pushtu President of the Afghans that we shoehorned into office accuses us of collaborating with the Taliban! The Mexican El Presidente demands that we ship his proto-wetbacks handbooks on how to squeeze welfare out of our taxpayers after they creep across the border! The Greeks and Cypriots march and scream that the IMF (which, face […]