Hello again, Dear Reader, I return after an extended absence. Some of this absence I spent on the Upper Amazon (I\u2019m not kidding), but I return refreshed and ready once again to bring you tidings of Doom. The latest sign of the apocalypse is being brought to us by the legislatures of New York and Virginia, both of which have either passed (New York) or recently considered (Virginia) abortion statutes which contemplate abortions performed so late that the kid is already born, if its existence threatens the mental health of the mother. (I must admit that New York has an ant-partial birth abortion law, but how long do you think that will hold up in the current climate?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now this brings up an interesting\nquestion: how old does the little monster have to be before you are no longer\npermitted to croak it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s face it; at some point,\neverybody wants to kill one or more of their children. How many times have you\nyourself said to one of your little darlings \u201cI\u2019m going to kill you if you ever\ndo that again!\u201d By the time the kid is two years old, it has figured out that\nthis is not true, which explains the Terrible Twos. The fact that you also know\nthat this is untrue is based on two fundamental facts. One, you of course love\nyour progeny, who represent both your genetic immortality and your future\nbragging rights. But two, you are fully aware that bumping the kid off will\nearn you either the right to room with Bubba the Sex Maniac for the next\nforty-five years or, in more progressive states, the right to an unpleasant\nelectrocution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, let us assume for the moment\nthat fact two is eliminated. What possible ages might one select for the cutoff\nof infanticide rights?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kids tend to poop in their pants\nuntil they are about three, which is revolting, so we have potential cutoff\nnumber one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kids often pee in their beds until\nthey are about eight, which is also revolting, so we have potential cutoff\nnumber two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kids hit puberty at around\nthirteen, which makes them ricochet off the walls, so we have potential cutoff\nnumber three.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kids get driver\u2019s licenses at\naround sixteen, so we have potential cutoff number four (no explanation\nneeded).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Finally, kids head off to college\nat around eighteen, which is insanely expensive even if they go to Okefenokee\nCounty Institute for Medieval Gender Studies, so we have potential cutoff\nnumber five.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I could go on, but you get my drift.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But why should your rights be\nrestricted to your children. Aren\u2019t there lots of other relatives who drive you\nnuts? For example, your wife and your brother-in-law? Kill \u2018em both!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And how about folks who are not\nrelated to you, but also drive you up the wall? How about your boss (that\njerk)? How about the guy in the next cubicle whose cell phone uses the Song of\nthe Volga Boatmen as its ringtone?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And why restrict things to people\nyou actually know? That great philosopher Ogden Nash once created the deathless\npoem \u201cI think, therefore I am. But what bothers me are all the people who don\u2019t\nthink, but are anyway.\u201d What about rap musicians (sic), heavy metal\npractitioners, artists who draw with dilute solutions of excrement? As the Red\nQueen from Alice in Wonderland would say, \u201coff with their heads!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Cutoffs? We don\u2019t need no stinking\ncutoffs. We just need to issue completely unrestricted hunting licenses which\npermit us to shoot whomever we want to, at any time, in any place, for any damn\nreason we please. To prevent mass shootings, we must impose a bag limit, say\none per day.\n\nVast fun. But if I were you, I\u2019d stay out of New\nYork and Virginia.\n\n\n\n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Hello again, Dear Reader, I return after an extended absence. Some of this absence I spent on the Upper Amazon (I\u2019m not kidding), but I return refreshed and ready once again to bring you tidings of Doom. The latest sign of the apocalypse is being brought to us by the legislatures of New York and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1115","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p38V5o-hZ","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1115","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1115"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1115\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1126,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1115\/revisions\/1126"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1115"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1115"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1115"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}