You are no doubt aware, Dear Reader, that flatulent cows are one of the proximate causes of the climate change that, we are assured by the savants, will almost immediately kill us deader\u2019n a doornail. The more scientifically inclined among you will also know that the climatic impact of their behavior is caused by methane, the primary component of their afflatus, which is a greenhouse gas even more potent than the extremely damaging CO2 that you persist in exhaling. But I will bet you don\u2019t know that your Styrofoam coffee cup, when buried in a landfill, also exhales methane.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But\neven if you<\/em><\/strong> don\u2019t know it, the city fathers in my local burg do know. They\npreviously outlawed plastic grocery bags because they end up in the stomachs of\nporpoises, from which I deduce that porpoises are a major source of campaign\ncontributions. Now they intend to outlaw Styrofoam, thus keeping our planet pleasantly\ncool. This will leave us with only the option to use paper bags. To limit the amount\nof paper we consume in this activity, they are also planning to force the local\nmerchants to charge us 10 cents per bag, thus saving the trees, like the Lorax.\nSince scientific studies have proven conclusively that reusable cloth sacks\nharbor enormous colonies of lethal microbes, they will of course outlaw the\npaper bags and force us to use these portable germ cultures to bring home the\nbacon, etc. This will form the basis for inexpensive population control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Where will we go next? Well, cloth bags are produced from several sources. Wool comes from sheep, and sheep fart (more methane). Some cloth comes from plants (cotton for example), and killing plants is an affront to Gaia (whom I thought was either a Greek goddess or a stripper, but whom I am now told is the entire living corpus of Earth life). So no cloth bags. Accordingly, we will need to carry our groceries in our arms, juggling when necessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But\nwait. Clothes are also made out of cloth! So no clothes! We must now run around\nnaked, even in the depths of winter, which will be cold, since we will have\neliminated global warming! But if we freeze our asses off, we will die, rot,\nand emit more noxious gases unless we are buried or cremated. But if we are all\ndead, who will bury or flamb\u00e9 us?<\/p>\n\n\n\n ROBOTS,\nthat\u2019s who. But that\u2019s not so bad. After all, with the advance of AI, we can\nexpect the robots to develop higher level emotions. Robots already write poetry\nand music. We can confidently expect the robots to wax lyrical about the new\nunspoiled planet Earth. When the little green guys from the flying saucers\nfinally get here, I\u2019m sure they will be amused.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" You are no doubt aware, Dear Reader, that flatulent cows are one of the proximate causes of the climate change that, we are assured by the savants, will almost immediately kill us deader\u2019n a doornail. The more scientifically inclined among you will also know that the climatic impact of their behavior is caused by methane, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1160","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P38V5o-iI","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1160","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1160"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1160\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1164,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1160\/revisions\/1164"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1160"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}