<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No,\nDear Reader, you have not caught your interlocutor, the Happy Pessimist, in an\northographical error. Perish the thought. I know how to spell phlebotomy better\nthan you (unless, of course, you won the Okefenokee Regional Spelling Bee in third\ngrade). No, I am pointing out the logical consequence of the adoption of one of\nthe great technological accomplishments of our collapsing civilization.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The\nsavants at the Rochester Institute of Technology have developed a toilet seat\nwhich measures the blood pressure, heart rate, and blood oxygenation level of\nthe victim, Imean patient, seated\nupon it. It is battery-powered, waterproof, wireless, and preprogrammed. An\nentrepreneurial RIT graduate has set up a firm called Heart Health Intelligence\nto commercialize this boon to mankind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As\nan initial matter, this device will have a beneficial psychological effect, both\nimproving patient care and relieving the stress on physicians and their\nsurrogates (nurse practitioners, physician\u2019s assistants, witch doctors, and\nothers of their ilk). The medical professional will now be able to say to a\npatient \u201csit your ass down\u201d without fraying the doctor patient relationship or\nbeing slapped with a lawsuit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But\nI\u2019m sure it will get better. What happens when you enter the physician\u2019s\noffice? You are greeted by a \u201chealth care provider\u201d who takes your \u201cvital\nsigns\u201d which are precisely the quantities measured by the new improved butt\nsupport. And what else happens? You are frequently sent to the \u201clab\u201d where a\nhighly trained technician stabs you in the arm with a hypodermic the size of a\nturkey baster and sucks out your precious bodily fluid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This\nlast step can be easily eliminated. The new toilet seat can be equipped with an\nupward-pointing needle attached to a small vacuum pump. Then, the process of\nsitting will automatically plunge the needle into the gluteus maximus<\/em> of the shitter, sorry, sitter, and suck out the\nrequired sample.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The\nonly obstacle to the adoption of this improvement that I can see is the likely\nreaction of the patient, who, immediately upon sitting down, will shriek \u201cARRGH!\u201d\nand will leap off the seat, thus interrupting the blood flow. Fortunately, this\ndifficulty can be overcome by adding yet another piece of technology to the\ntoilet seat: an elastic harness which automatically wraps itself around the\npatient with a vise-like grip and holds him\/her\/it down on the seat. The\nelastic harness can be sold separately to S & M aficionados, thus providing\nan extra source of income to the overworked and underpaid physician.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Or\nto me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" No, Dear Reader, you have not caught your interlocutor, the Happy Pessimist, in an orthographical error. Perish the thought. I know how to spell phlebotomy better than you (unless, of course, you won the Okefenokee Regional Spelling Bee in third grade). No, I am pointing out the logical consequence of the adoption of one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1144","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P38V5o-is","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1144","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1144"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1144\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1145,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1144\/revisions\/1145"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1144"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}