{"id":1135,"date":"2019-03-11T22:54:00","date_gmt":"2019-03-11T22:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/?page_id=1135"},"modified":"2019-03-11T22:54:05","modified_gmt":"2019-03-11T22:54:05","slug":"when-the-swallows-return-to-capistrano-can-the-vultures-be-far-behind","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/?page_id=1135","title":{"rendered":"WHEN THE SWALLOWS RETURN TO CAPISTRANO, CAN THE VULTURES BE FAR BEHIND?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

            The\nannual return on March 19th<\/sup> of the swallows (small birds) to Mission\nSan Juan Capistrano (a small town in Orange County, California) is the subject\nof poetry, smarmy songs, and much revolting romanticism. I often wondered why people\nlove these psittacosis carrying avian beasts. I also wonder why everyone\n(except me) celebrates a day which provides nothing more than an excess of\nguano. Would you, Dear Reader, want to visit a town in order to wallow in a sea\nof bird poop?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 But it will soon get much, much worse. Another charming village is about to join the ranks of sites renowned for their boids. The town is Mount. Holly, New Jersey, and the birds are VULTURES<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Mount Holly is the winter home for flocks of vultures. Like the swallows, they poop over everything. Now, the rational citizen would bring out his or her trusty shotgun, load it with #8 birdshot, and have at them. However, our collapsing civilization has responded with characteristic pusillanimity. The Mount Holly Environmental Committee has organized a pro-vulture workshop, explaining to the citizenry and their kiddies the important role played by vultures in removing rotting animal carcasses from the lawns and sidewalks of the town.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            This\nMr. Science approach begs the real question: why are hordes of vultures\nsuddenly appearing in the town? The most obvious explanation is that the Mount\nHolly carrion supply has exploded, which leads naturally to the next question:\nwho or what died? The popular media have not reported any unusual epidemics in New\nJersey. However, the usual<\/em><\/strong> epidemic of mayhem in garden spots\nlike Newark and Camden continues apace. It is my suspicion that the gangbangers\nhave, for reasons unknown, selected Mount Holly as the preferred destination for\ndumping those who do not prevail in shooting altercations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

            But\nthe pro-vulture workshop has within it the seeds of a tourist industry. How\nabout a marketing campaign with the theme \u201ccome and visit Mount Holly for the\nannual return of the vultures?\u201d They can rename the local motel Vulture House, and\nsell t-shirts with vulture cartoons on the front and back. They can offer\nvulture tattoos! They can kill the tourists in a modern Coliseum and feed them to\nthe vultures! How\u2019s that for a\nnew spectator sport?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

            The annual return on March 19th of the swallows (small birds) to Mission San Juan Capistrano (a small town in Orange County, California) is the subject of poetry, smarmy songs, and much revolting romanticism. I often wondered why people love these psittacosis carrying avian beasts. I also wonder why everyone (except me) celebrates a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1135","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P38V5o-ij","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1135","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1135"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1135\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1140,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1135\/revisions\/1140"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1135"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}