Hello again, Dear Reader, I return after an extended absence. Some of this absence I spent on the Upper Amazon (I\u2019m not kidding), but I return refreshed and ready once again to bring you tidings of Doom. The latest sign of the apocalypse is being brought to us by the legislatures of New York and Virginia, both of which have either passed (New York) or are considering (Virginia) abortion statutes which contemplate abortions performed so late that the kid is already born, if its existence threatens the mental health of the mother.<\/p>\n
Now this brings up an interesting question: how old does the little monster have to be before you are no longer permitted to croak it?<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s face it; at some point, everybody wants to kill one or more of their children. How many times have you yourself said to one of your little darlings \u201cI\u2019m going to kill you if you ever do that again!\u201d By the time the kid is two years old, it has figured out that this is not true, which explains the Terrible Twos. The fact that you also know that this is untrue is based on two fundamental facts. One, you of course love your progeny, who represent both your genetic immortality and your future bragging rights. But two, you are fully aware that bumping the kid off will earn you either the right to room with Bubba the Sex Maniac for the next forty-five years or, in more progressive states, the right to an unpleasant electrocution.<\/p>\n
Now, let us assume for the moment that fact two is eliminated. What possible ages might one select for the cutoff of infanticide rights?<\/p>\n
Kids tend to poop in their pants until they are about three, which is revolting, so we have potential cutoff number one.<\/p>\n
Kids often pee in their beds until they are about eight, which is also revolting, so we have potential cutoff number two.<\/p>\n
Kids hit puberty at around thirteen, which makes them ricochet off the walls, so we have potential cutoff number three.<\/p>\n
Kids get driver\u2019s licenses at around sixteen, so we have potential cutoff number four (no explanation needed).<\/p>\n
Finally, kids head off to college at around eighteen, which is insanely expensive even if they go to Okefenokee County Institute for Medieval Gender Studies, so we have potential cutoff number five.<\/p>\n
I could go on, but you get my drift.<\/p>\n
But why should your rights be restricted to your children. Aren\u2019t there lots of other relatives who drive you nuts? For example, your wife and your brother-in-law? Kill \u2018em both!<\/p>\n
And how about folks who are not related to you, but also drive you up the wall? How about your boss (that jerk)? How about the guy in the next cubicle whose cell phone uses the Song of the Volga Boatmen as its ringtone?<\/p>\n
And why restrict things to people you actually know? That great philosopher Ogden Nash once created the deathless poem \u201cI think, therefore I am. But what bothers me are all the people who don\u2019t think, but are anyway.\u201d What about rap musicians (sic), heavy metal practitioners, artists who draw with dilute solutions of excrement? As the Red Queen form Alice in Wonderland would say, \u201coff with their heads!\u201d<\/p>\n
We don\u2019t need no stinking cutoff. We just need to issue completely unrestricted hunting licenses which permit us to shoot whomever we want to, at any time, in any place, for any damn reason we please. To prevent mass shootings, we must impose a bag limit, say one per\u00a0day.<\/p>\n
Vast fun. But if I were you, I\u2019d stay out of New York and Virginia.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Hello again, Dear Reader, I return after an extended absence. Some of this absence I spent on the Upper Amazon (I\u2019m not kidding), but I return refreshed and ready once again to bring you tidings of Doom. The latest sign of the apocalypse is being brought to us by the legislatures of New York and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1112","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P38V5o-hW","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1112","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1112"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1112\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1114,"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1112\/revisions\/1114"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/funwithdoom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1112"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}